


Troll Boners Sure Are Weird!

by foolishghoul



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-20
Updated: 2011-11-20
Packaged: 2017-10-26 08:31:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/280912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foolishghoul/pseuds/foolishghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Which John And Karkat Have A Discussion And Nothing Pornographic Happens At All, Boner Is Written Eight Times, The Filial Pail Is Referenced Three Times, And Cultural Misunderstandings Abound.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Troll Boners Sure Are Weird!

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a kink meme prompt regarding this quote: "Trolls pop boners like stunt guys pop wheelies." Set in one of those magical AU worlds where nobody died, and everything was happy. And boners.

John didn’t want to be the one to ask. But Dave, Jade, and Rose had taken a vote and had come to the decision that, as their leader, it was his responsibility. This was why he was standing outside of Karkat’s room, about to ask him to cool it with the boners already. And if Karkat could get all his troll friends to cool it, too.

Because it turned out that trolls pretty much had all the boners. All of them.

All the time.

It wasn’t like John expected for all the trolls to take up a no-boner policy. That was both unrealistic, and culturally insensitive. However, he thought it would be a little more reasonable for them to just try to control it around the humans. John took a deep breath, and knocked on Karkat’s door.

There was no way this conversation was going to be pleasant.

“Karkat? Are you there?”

The door opened and Karkat was standing there with his usual expression of anger and annoyance. And...Yep. There is was. John forced himself to keep looking straight at Karkat’s face.

“Hey Karkat, can I talk to you about something?”

Karkat, for his part, rolled his eyes. “Yes. You can talk to me about 'something.' Because I’m basically just here to listen to you babble about whatever comes across your human brain. You should thank gog that you have someone as reasonable and fucking approachable as me to talk to.”

With that being said, Karkat opened the door wider, and let John in. John smiled. It was easier to not pay attention to Karkat’s boner when Karkat was being so...Karkat.

“So what is it?”

John took a deep breath. “I’m not really sure how to bring this up without being awkward. So...I guess I’ll just have to be awkward.”

Here goes.

“It’s about your...bone lumps.”

“For the last fucking time,” Karkat said, “it‘s ‘bone bulge.’ How is that so hard to...wait. What?”

John continued. “Well, not yours in particular. Just the fact that the trolls aren’t...um...discreet about when they get...bulgy.”

“What?” Karkat repeated, giving John a look like John was certifiably insane. John soldiered on. “Well, it kind of makes the rest of us uncomfortable. Humans aren’t so obvious about that kind of stuff.” He thought for a moment, trying to come up with a good comparison. “It would be like if all of us humans insisted on wearing buckets for hats.”

It had been hard for John to give up the old, “bucket above a door” trick. A beloved classic in human society. A disgusting display of pornographic indecency in troll society. Karkat had not been amused, and John had learned more than he ever wanted to know about the proper use of “filial pails.”

“How does that even make any sense?”

John shrugged. “I guess it doesn’t really make sense. It’s just what we do.”

“But how does concealing your bulges expedite the unnecessarily fluid-filled human reproductive process? Wouldn’t you want your potential whatever the fuck the human equivalent to matesprit is to know that you’re interested?”

This was somehow turning out to be even more awkward then John had expected. Mostly he thought Karkat would yell at him, and then John would have to go back to the others and tell him how bad it went. There was no part of him that expected to have to explain the intricacies of human sexual contact and boner etiquette. Still, John couldn’t exactly leave now, especially since Karkat seemed to have a little bit of genuine curiosity, mixed in with the current confusion and his usual outrage.

“It’s not that we never show them. It’s just normally after people go on like dates and stuff. And after they have established relationships. I guess then there’s a point where both people agree to...um...explore. Then it‘s probably okay to have a boner, as long as it‘s not in public.”

This was followed by a lengthy silence, while Karkat sat there, shaking his head. Finally he replied with, “That is so stupid I honestly have no idea how to reply.” Of course, despite this statement, Karkat continued. “Here I was thinking it was something rational like you guys didn’t have bone bulges at all, but here you were, hiding them this whole time because of some fucked up human decency custom.”

That made John consider the issue from the troll point of view. “Yeah, I guess it must’ve been weird for you guys to see us walking around without having boners all the time.”

Karkat rubbed his forehead. “Let’s just say that there were a lot of idiotic theories that I really fucking do not want to go into right now.”

John had to smile at that. Both groups, kids and trolls, had been talking about the other’s bone bulges...boners...whatever...behind the other group’s back. Even when they were being different they were really being the same.

“So...what do you think?” John asked. “Can you talk to the others about it?”

Karkat sighed. “I can’t believe you would ask me to purposefully wade into the mire of shit that this conversation is going to produce.” He paused there, and John was about to leave, thinking the whole thing was settled. Then Karkat continued. “But...there’s no reason to make this whole meeting of the species thing any more ass-burningly difficult than it already is, so…yeah, I guess I can make a memo or something.”

Given the effectiveness of Karkat’s memos, that wasn’t much. But considering the subject, it was enough for John. He grinned and said, “Thanks Karkat! You’re the best!” As John left, Karkat grumbled something about John being a useless “nook-sniffer,” whatever that was.

Heading back to the others, high on his successful navigation of the cultural sensitivity waters, John laughed to himself. Karkat’s memos might not be effective, but they were always funny to read.

This one was going to be hilarious.


End file.
